I want to have your abortion
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
We were destined to go to rehab together
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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