im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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