It was confusing and full of hummus
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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