I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
there is glitter all over my balls
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