Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
