I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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