my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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