Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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