dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
