I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
