she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
