DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
