I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
