My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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