The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
