Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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