My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
