Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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