yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
