i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
