a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
whose ass print is on the piano?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
