I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
