I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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