im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
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