dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
