Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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