She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Randomize
