I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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