you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
