Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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