sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
