dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
