im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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