if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
