I smell stomach acid.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
