I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
They have beer where we have blood.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
