I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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