somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize