Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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