They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Randomize