Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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