Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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