Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
