I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
