conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize