I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
