We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
