it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
