My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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