so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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