hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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