Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
