i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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