i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
it's not cheating when I paid for it
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
