I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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