Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
