sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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