I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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