READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Randomize
