The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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