he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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