wakey wakey hands off snakey
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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