i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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